Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am available for nakedness
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
