I just cut my nipple shaving
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
