Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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