I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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