Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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