She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
