I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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