I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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