Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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