Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
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Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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