I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
