my room smells like sperm. sweet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
