If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I could make wine with my vomit
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
