guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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