you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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