I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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