You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
