weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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