Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
