mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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