i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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