No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
