laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
