DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
