Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
