That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
