Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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