Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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