How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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