last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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