She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
