Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
