Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
