You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
