Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
