my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
