3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
