our cab driver is having phone sex.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
being pregnant is like rehab
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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