What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
