Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
