what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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