Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
