y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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