oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
