Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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