My nipple is on Facebook.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
