i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
