My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think my fart just growled at me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
