Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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