I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
