i just had sex bonerless
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
