you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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