fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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