Can Purell be used as lube?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
