i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
