He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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