O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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