Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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